Introductory

So--here we are again at the unnecessary, but the same time, inevitable. This is the introductory post to a blog which only needs to be around for three seconds to tell me it's going to be a serious mixed blessing. I'm starting this new blog not necessarily to be the black hole of emotion on the internet, or even my online diary. I'm doing this because I feel I need to start opening up to people. As a kid I would always get worried whenever I witness an adult upset or overemotional. Somehow, even though my parents never made any efforts to stifle emotion in our household I came under the impression that this was not normal, and always meant something was very wrong. Whether that was something bred into me, or more likely something that was just a part of personality, it's never worn off. I'm still not very emotional. Tears come for me a lot easier by anger than by sadness, and fear makes me lose my head more than any of the two combined. Still, while I don't show it well, I have up and downs like any other teenagers. I will sometimes go to bed happy and wake up miserable, or vise-versa. I always said I hated people who thrived off emotion and drama: really I still don't like it. I would rather be happy if I can, I'd rather bake cookies and watch a VHS and read the Bible and think about the wonderful things ahead in the future...but it doesn't always work. It takes a serious effort of growing up to except that on my part. So this is plan B: opening up, that thing I've never been very good at? This is it.

I can never quite tell if I'm an optimist or a pessimist. I like to think the best is in store and the world is a great place and everything will work out in the end, but just in case I always assume the worst of the worst and worry myself crazy about it. Honestly, it depends on the day.

Another thing you should know is that I very much live in a world of my own imagination: I'm not nuts, because I can understand this one and function in it perfectly well, but I still spend half of my time imaging life the way I want it to be. Of course, the grass is always greener.

Here's another one: insecurity. Everyone expects a teenager to be insecure, but I went and did it differently than others. I'm fine with my looks, they are what they are and I don't want to change them even if I could. I don't feel stupid all the time, only about a third of it. What I really struggle with, is being satisfied. Satisfied with where I am, who I'm with, what I've accomplished. I struggle with thinking I could improve everything, that I could move the world off it's foundations if I wasn't so lazy and really worked for something. I don't want money, I want experiences. And I want to be in the place where people admire me. Where I didn't have to look up to people and hope I could reach where they are. I struggle with wanting that for myself. It's my biggest flaw. I'm not really vain, but I have been told my entire life that I'm good and special and smart and it's meant the world to me: It's brought me through some terrible times. I can't say I don't believe that, that I'm worth something. No one who is loved that much can grow up terrible. But I do sometimes doubt that it's all true, when I wonder whether I had the potential to be a child prodigy at the violin and just gave it up, or whether right now I'm passing up a chance to be the next Dostoyevsky checking facebook. So what I'm saying is, I am an over-accomplish-er who doesn't accomplish much.

That's just a few of many things to come, and that's what the blog is for. A lot of rambling (not an unfamiliar word with my writing as you well know) a lot of pointlessness, and a lot of opening up. It takes this to heal me, it always has and it always will. Sometimes I wish I could submit my prayers in writing: I think better that way. And...this may be the worst introductory of a blog ever.

I can't think of an ending, so instead I'll explain where the title of the blog came from: a very beautiful love song called "If"I heard on the Muppet show and later at my teacher's house:

If a picture paints a thousand words,

Then why can't I paint you?

The words will never show,
The you I've come to know.

If a face could launch a thousand ships,

Then where am I to go?

There's no one home but you,

You're all that's left me too.

And when my love for life is running dry,

You come and pour yourself on me.



If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.

Tomorrow and today,
Beside you all the way.

If the world should stop revolving,
Spinning slowly down to die,

I'd spend the end with you.

And when the world was through...

Then one by one the stars would all go out,

Then you and I would simply fly away